his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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