I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
