can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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