and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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