I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
