Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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