false alarm. still invincible.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
