Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You left your phone here
Wait...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize