My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
