I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
