Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
