Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
