My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
