ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
