My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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