Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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