The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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