I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
