just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
