The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
