my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
