I need to stop coming to work sober
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
