So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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