I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
