I wish my penis had an off switch
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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