Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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