I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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