That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
