I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
