My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
