Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
