you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
What a dumb baby whore.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
