The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
