My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
