I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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