on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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