My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
