You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
