She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
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