True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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