GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
