You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize