At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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