Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
