peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize