i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
