Michael Bay diarrhea
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
