So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
