The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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