Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
