I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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