Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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