I cannot find my penis.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
