just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
