Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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