take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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