Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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