youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
