im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
