oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
