You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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