My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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