i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
